Powerlust: The Hollow Quest For A Pain-Free, Death-Free Life

Death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessnes are the four big existential fears of all humans. We have myriad ways of avoiding them and pursuing unckecked power is but one such defensive mechanism.

One of my favourite authors and life-changing sources of wisdom is Irvin Yalom - one of, if not the foremost contemporary existential psychiatrist and psychotherapist. His books (and particularly his magnum opus - Existential Psychotherapy - which reads more like a captivating novel than a technical manual) have helped me make sense of the workings of my inner world in ways few other readings have. The basic tenet of the existential perspective is that all human beings are faced with four fundamental concerns, intrinsic in their very existence and as such unavoidable:

“Four givens are particularly relevant for psychotherapy: the inevitability of death for each of us and for those we love; the freedom to make our lives as we will; our ultimate aloneness; and, finally, the absence of any obvious meaning or sense to life.”

—Irvin Yalom

These four concerns become four existential fears. We are afraid of death, afraid of the responsibility that comes with our freedom to choose in life, afraid of being alone and terrified that our lives might just be meaningless. These fears (while mostly unconscious for many of us) can become so overwhelming that we take refuge in a host of defensive mechanisms to avoid them. These defences are tricky ways in which our minds help us numb the pain, bury these fears and live as if we were immortal and invincible.

It has recently occurred to me that the terrifying power lust we are seeing play out at the top leadership level in both politics and many organisations nowadays, alongside the resurgence of military conflict around the world, as well as the polarization, aggression and abuse we are witnessing online (and not only) - might all be one massive (extreme) expression of psychological defences against the big existential fears. If that is true, perhaps a better understanding of these fears and the ways we, humans, instinctively protect ourselves against them might help us make sense of this jarring, discombobulating reality we are all facing.

So what is the link between the pursuit of power and the fear of death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness?

Death

We are (to the best of our knowledge) the one animal on earth living their life with full awareness of its finiteness. The fear of death is our inheritance for simply being born into mortal bodies and with brains whose pre-frontal cortexes allow us to be self-aware and to think about what this whole ‘life’ thing means.

Most (if not all of us) dread imagining our existence simply ending, picturing this ‘something’ called life turning into ‘nothing’. We are terrified to fully contemplate ‘nothingness’ and therefore most often either avoid these thoughts or find refuge in psychological defences, which protect us from the dread.

Yalom explores two major defences people use to deal with death anxiety. One such defence is the “ultimate rescuer” pattern, where one engages in co-dependent relationships and lives vicariously through others (think parents who see their children as ‘their sole reason for living’ and the ‘thing I’ve sacrificed everything for”).

The other defence against the fear of death - and most interesting for our purposes - people convincing themselves they are truly ‘special’, unique, invincible. This defence leads people to relentlessly pursue a path of individuation - becoming their one unique self and doing precisely what they want in life. They strive to assert their specialness by accomplishing big and exceptional things, asserting their dominance, being ‘the best’ at something (or many things), or building an astonishing and inviolable legacy (like walking on Mars (sic!)). In the extreme, this psychological defence of specialness is a gateway to narcissistic tendencies or perhaps even full-blown, pathological narcissism. If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because it might just be!

Mind you, most of us find ourselves on the spectrum between these defences (they are natural psychological mechanisms after all!) and not fall into pathological extremes. Wanting to leave a legacy, and striving to do something of importance or impact are healthy human aspirations. However, a minority of people inhabit a mental space where their sense of specialness leaves no room for humbleness and power lust becomes a way to achieve ultimate influence and control over others, as a way to confirm that all-consuming need for self-importance. And that opens the door to all manner of abuse - as we’re seeing repeatedly as of late.

Freedom

So many of us aspire towards freedom. Countless people have died fighting for freedom. So how come it is also an existential anxiety and what does that even look like? According to Yalom, the frightening aspect of personal freedom and choice is the responsibility that comes with it.

If you accept you are free, then this means you are accountable for your actions. If life doesn’t go your way you are (at least partially, as we account for systemic pressures and circumstances outside of our control) responsible. If you stay in a toxic relationship, continue working for an abusive boss, become bankrupt or succumb to addiction - any of these outcomes can be seen as resulting from (at least some) choices you have made. Owning the consequences of our actions turns out to be one of the most frightening things in life.

This is why we employ psychological defences such as “compulsivity” (I can’t help myself), avoidance of decision-making (analysis paralysis) or, most relevant to our exploration here, good old blame (which Brene Brown deftly defies as “discharging pain and discomfort”).

Blaming is endemic in our world today. Politicians blame their failures on each other, or increasingly on faceless, dehumanised, ‘alien’ “others”. Blame is rife online and mostly fuelled by anger which we simply don’t know how to discharge other than ‘screaming’ and pointing fingers at each other.

Power lust and the avoidance of responsibility are loyal bedfellows. How best to not be accountable for anything, than pursuing ultimate, unchecked and unchallenged power? And what is ‘immunity’ than a blank check for never taking responsibility? How better to convince yourself that you are always in the right than surrounding yourself with people who never challenge you in the first place? Seeking and keeping power at all costs seems like a pretty good way to delude yourself that you are free without the downside of accountability that comes with truly facing our fear of inner freedom.

Isolation

Our other fundamental fear is of being isolated - apart from others, fragmented within ourselves with no way to reconcile our many inner parts and ultimately, existentially alone in this body, experiencing this messy, finite thing called ‘life’.

We stave off isolation through another host of defences. Chief among them is ‘fusion’ - identifying with a particular relationship to the point where we lose ourselves. The opposite (and equally effective) defence is becoming over-independent (‘I don’t need anybody’). This second defence paves the way for seeing relationships as mere transactions (‘You only matter to me if you are useful to me in some way and I discard you as soon as you’ve lost your usefulness’). Relationships become utilitarian business exchanges and zero-sum games. Tit-for-tat trade wars are very much an example of this very mechanism at play among countries, not just individuals.

In this scenario, power becomes a lever. The more powerful you are the more you can take from relationships of all kinds and the less you have to give. You are still alone, but so in control, showered with attention and deference that it’s easy to ignore and deny how lonely (feared and rejected) you truly are.

Therefore the pursuit of power becomes an effective way to make yourself immune to ever needing, depending on or genuinely partnering with others and a perfect justification to abuse your position to get the most gain for yourself every single time. It’s the perfect (and so popular as of late) ‘Me First!’ position.

Meaninglessness

We, humans, are fundamentally meaning-seeking beings. We need our world to make sense. The existential perspective (which is agnostic at the core) is that the world/life has no intrinsic certain meaning - it is us, through our choices, our capacity to see patterns and connect dots - that give meaning to our lives.

Seen through that lens, conspiracy theories are nothing more than an attempt to make meaning, to put some order in what seems to be a very chaotic, often incomprehensible world. People make meaning through the pursuit of personal growth, spirituality, altruism and the calling to devote their lives to uplifting others or the aspiration to create something of value. They make meaning through inventing and creating (the drive of artists, innovators, entrepreneurs and mavericks from all walks of life). It is our need to make meaning that fuels our most ambitious technological discoveries, that compels us to push the boundaries of what has been attempted before and strive for something ‘more’.

People can also, more often than not, fend off their fear of meaninglessness by pursuing a life of pleasure (the hedonic life), where pain is avoided at all costs. This, taken to the extreme, is a river that flows into that same old ocean of narcissism - where you, your own goals, pleasures, and ambitions matter over anyone else’s. Seeking power over others is a very effective way to pursue a hedonic life. There is pleasure to be found in dominating, bullying, and scaring others into submission. Imposing your will over others regardless of consequences is a powerful drug because with it comes the illusion of omnipotence and what better way to escape the spectre of irrelevance?

I hope you can see the picture emerging here. The pursuit of power at all costs is a really great way to keep all four existential fears at bay. Sadly, as we’ve seen over and over again, the effort is futile. There is not enough power in the human world to make a life pain-free. There is not enough blame to relieve us of all responsibility. And however mighty and untouchable we may become, we are all (still) going to die in the end and that vulnerability is excruciating.

Despite all of that, power remains one of the most potent drugs known to mankind. It helps us forget our fears for a little while. But like any drug, we seem to build tolerance to it. The more we get the more we want. This might explain why people with unfathomable financial or political power can’t seem to stop chasing more. The only other alternative seems to face those big fears head-on and develop healthier defences.

One of the fascinating findings in adult development research is that later stages of development bring about a fundamental shift in the way people understand and practice power. The cognitive, emotional and interpersonal evolution that comes with vertical development allows people to face their existential fears with more awareness and courage. They become more capable of self-reflecting, challenging their thinking, questioning their motives, and noticing and embracing paradoxes (such as ‘My life is finite’ and ‘Its finiteness can make life more enjoyable’).

People who operate from more mature/complex frames of reference are often experiencing a profound shift in the way they understand and practice power. They tend to shift from “power over” to “power with” and “power to” others. They also shift from a self-centred worldview to a more others/world-centric perspective. They see more connections between things and understand their actions have far-ranging consequences. When they are in positions of formal power they are better able to comprehend the ripple effects of their choices beyond what is right in front of them.

While I don’t believe any study has been undertaken to explore how more developmentally mature individuals deal with their existential anxieties, I would venture out to suggest they might be more likely to acknowledge their existential fears rather than run away from them. And, because self-awareness is a function of adult development, it’s likely more self-aware individuals become more able to tolerate emotional pain and engage with healthier ways of dealing with their existential fears.

Yalom has shown that contemplating our mortality is a great way to imbue our lives with positive energy and a healthy drive for action. Bravely taking ownership of our actions, acknowledging our mistakes, actively learning from them, accepting we are fallible and striving to be better - are all great ways to take accountability for our lives and make peace with our existential freedom. Learning how to trust, be vulnerable, hold space for others, cultivate empathy and compassion and meaningfully connect in mature relationships is an effective way to deal with our fear of isolation. Striving for goals beyond our immediate personal gain, and putting ourselves in service of others is an incredibly powerful way to manage our fear of meaninglessness.

Yet all of these actions require maturity and a capacity for self-reflection. They require stepping back and genuinely questioning our motives and tolerating the suffering that comes with accepting our own limitations.

I do believe we are at a crux in history, a moment in time whose significance is not yet visible to us living it, but might be crystal clear to historians writing about his moment a few decades from now. We are witnessing a whole class of political and business leaders giving in to power lust - like so many others before them have done - and we will likely bear witness (and viscerally feel) the impacts of their actions.

I’m pretty sure none of us can assuage the existential fears that might be fuelling our leaders’ actions. But what we might do is face our own fears, question our motives and take full ownership over our actions, as small as they may be.

How are we showing up online? Are we discharging pain and discomfort by placing blame, or are we looking for healthier ways to cope? Are we choosing to extend curiosity and compassion, genuinely trying to understand perspectives we might viscerally disagree with, or do we make it an ‘us over them’ game? Are we choosing to contribute something useful, or engage in self-righteous debate? Are we looking inward, acknowledging our existential dread and facing it head-on or are we numbing through avoidance, doom-scrolling, accusation and victimisation? Are we seeking healthy defences for our biggest fears, or are we giving into some of the destructive (yet still effective) defences we keep seeing all around us?

Today I met a very wise woman who reminded me that sometimes all we can do is what Anna from Frozen taught us: “Do the next right thing” (listen to the song below and just notice how many existential fears are addressed in 3 minutes!).

How do you choose your ‘next right thing’ and what will it take to do it?

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